December 25, 2009

Mistakes keep people humble so I know about my fate–

If I require this many then I must be really great.


December 25, 2009

To bear the shame of all your wrongs and face the people still,

To leave your house while knowing you don’t have a perfect will,

To know that you could ruin things on any given day,

To know that you are evil but to live life anyway,

To be with all the holy people knowing that you ain’t–

Enduring as a sinner surely makes you quite a saint.

Next Post

December 25, 2009

She’s always smiling, full of grace, and kind on every day,

So either she is really good or always gets her way.

Etiquette For Dummies

August 10, 2009

There’s people who have social skills and wit and charm and grace.

They know just what to say when interacting face to face.

They know which fork goes where and how to dance and interview.

And how to shake your hand just right and how to party, too.

But just plain being nice can help the shyest, simple fool.

The greatest social skill there’s been is just the golden rule.

My Little Hobby

June 28, 2008


Most coin collectors keep their coins where they can all be seen.

But I keep mine at work inside the break room’s Coke machine

Who gets to eat this pickle?

June 28, 2008

3 woolly wallumps found a pickle on the street.

They couldn’t quite agree on who would be the one to eat.

“Let’s just have a race!” exclaimed the fastest of the three.

“No, let’s see who’s the strongest,” said the big one happily.

The final woolly wallump picked the pickle up and cried,

“Your plans are all unfair.  I know how we should all decide…

A pickle eating contest is the way that we will choose.”

He ate the pickle quickly, then exclaimed, “I guess you lose.”

Way to Go, Self!

May 16, 2008

I went into the grocery store to buy myself shampoo.

I wanted lots of candy.      (That was not what I should do.)

Temptation didn’t win and I bought zero yummy sweets–

To celebrate I went into a Walgreens for some treats 

Happy Meal Surprise

May 16, 2008

 Happy Meals are wonderful for little girls and boys

But, really, this live cockroach isn’t one of their best toys.

Friend or Foe?

May 16, 2008

People who bring out the best in others like they should

Are nice to have around because they keep you looking good.

But there is value, too, in being rattled by a foe.

‘Cause when your darker side’s exposed,well, hey—at least you know.


May 16, 2008

Take away the comic strip and send away the clown.

I’m plenty entertained by just a person falling down.

Something To Think About As You’re Being chased By The Paparazzi

May 16, 2008

 Anonymity is great,

But then your good traits don’t get known.

And fame’s a blessed state

But then your dark side’s also shown.

Since it is more blessed to give than to receive

May 16, 2008


 I am serving you today-

It’s plain for all to see.

I am serving you today,

By letting you serve me.


My biography

March 24, 2008

A book about my life might be

Quite fun and filled with poetry.

But if you took out all my sin

The book might be a little thin.

Don’t Mean To Brag

March 24, 2008

I have a lot of trophies.

I have racks and racks and racks.

A bunch of nice certificates and 1500 plaques.

I bet you think I earned them ’cause I try and never fail.

But I’m a trophy salesman–really, these are all for sale.

Guess what I’m describing

January 8, 2008

Guess what I’m describing:
It is big and tall and blue. 
It’s sharp in twenty places
And it’s wet with dripping dew.
It has a yellow button
And it sways from left to right
You cannot see the top except
When it’s lit up at night.
Hey, really, there is no such thing!
I made it up, dear chum.
See, this was just an exercise
To make you feel real dumb.

Bright Side

January 8, 2008

 Poverty can be a gift that keeps one’s errors small.

A man can’t waste a million bucks if he’s got none at all.

I’m always thinking of others.

January 2, 2008

I think of others all the time. 

I do it frequently.

I think of all the selfless things

that they could do for me.  


January 2, 2008

I’d trade my trophies, all my feats, my noble works and deeds

For just a heart that’s happier when someone else succeeds.


December 7, 2007

Fight the system, fight the man!

Let’s break every rule we can!

Wait a second. Look around.

Faithful souls just can’t be found.

No one’s doing what they should…

Let’s rebel by doing good.

Contrary to Popular Belief

December 1, 2007

This lollipop is good and don’t believe the things they say…

The candy from a baby is quite hard to take away.

Don’t Mention It

November 1, 2007

I always help my neighbor when I see that he’s in need

But it can take me quite a while to do just one good deed–

A minute to perform the act with just a little pout,

 And up to twenty years to make sure everyone finds out.

My Biology Class

October 22, 2007

My science class was hard. 

It was a hell below all hells.

I sure found out what I am made of

(I am made of cells)

Thank You

October 22, 2007

  People drive each other crazy

Life can be a pain.

And that is why I’m thanking you.

You always drive me sane.

Upside of Folly

October 19, 2007


It might be bad to be a fool who’s cheated every day

Because his soul’s so good and he thinks everyone’s that way.

But it’d be worse to be the scheming genius full of lies

Who lives his life suspecting folks are also in disguise.

Getting dressed to meet my mother’s friends

October 19, 2007

Stripes versus polka dots

Which do I like best?

I like this shirt with lots of spots

But stripes are on this vest

I could just wear them both

And I’ve got just the thing to add

How nice I’ll look with all  of tthis

And pants of yellow plaid.

Sure, I’ll say the blessing.

October 19, 2007


Help us act like this tastes great.

Help us not regurgitate.


October 11, 2007

I never mind if I’m misquoted

That’s why I don’t sue

As long as what they think I said

Is cleverer and true.


October 11, 2007

Oatis Henry made a living

painting yellow lines.

He also did the white ones

near the street lights and the signs.

Because of him the traffic flowed

and people crossed the street.

The safety cops knew where to stand

when they each worked a beat.

But one day Oatis Henry thought

he’d paint another way

Not thinking twice about what things

the mayor’d have to say.

Instead of lines he started  painting

hopscotch courts and grids,

Some shuffleboard for old folks

and some four square for the kids.

 At first there were some traffic jams

on each and every day.

But then the people loosened up

and went outside to play.

And if you want to know

why there’s no smog or filthy soot

Because of Oatis Henry

this whole city is on foot.

Bright Side

October 11, 2007

If you fail at everything

 ‘cause you are weak and frail

Take heart, my friend, because one day

You’re bound to fail to fail.


Poem for people with short attention spans:

October 11, 2007

 To show how much I care for you

Here’s just two lines and now I’m through.

October 11, 2007

In heaven I’ll be perfect and I won’t have any sin.

I’ll never be annoying and I won’t be rude again.

So love me now the way I am instead of getting mad,

‘Cause now will be your only chance to love me while I’m bad.

Body of Christ

October 11, 2007

The church is Christ’s big body and each part must do its share.

But I am the appendix so I’ll just relax in there.


October 11, 2007

The fancy words you learn from schools that I cannot afford

Can come in very handy when you stand to praise the Lord.

But even weakest minds display some wisdom when they bow.

And who would call a man a fool who simply utters “Wow.”


October 11, 2007

I tried collecting stickers but I quickly gave it up.

I tried collecting glasses, too, but only found a cup.

Stamps were fun for several weeks, but then I mailed them off.

I tried collecting lozenges but then I got a cough.

Though each of my collections is the smallest in the land,

My collection of collections has grown really, really grand.

Pretty Good Deal

October 11, 2007

The world fell down but look around.

There’s yellow tulips on the ground.

If earth is fallen, marred, and old,

Just think what heaven’s yards will hold.


October 11, 2007


Some things just don’t matter but discussing them is nice.

 Is ice just frozen water or is water melted ice?

A dirty trick

October 11, 2007

Cleanliness is Godliness.  I hear it every day.

But that is just a lie that all the neat freaks like to say.


October 9, 2007

I’m mad that you have won this game

And shocked that I was beat.

But flattered still that you would care

Enough to go and cheat.

Giver’s Remorse

October 9, 2007

 I wish I hadn’ta given all those poor folks bread to eat.

I could have spent that money on some stuff that’s really neat.

You can’t have too much clothing or too many paperweights

And now I’ve gone and wasted cash on filling up their plates.


October 9, 2007

Dessert first.  That’s my rule.

Dessert last.  Also cool.

If you get hot, just jump inside your shadow.

September 18, 2007

How To Take A Compliment

September 17, 2007

Act like you don’t hear

When people tell you something nice

That way they’ll repeat it

And you’ll get to hear it twice.


September 17, 2007

Whenever I hear sirens I will say a little prayer.

I do it every time because I truly deeply care. 

If it’s a fire truck’s wail I hear I pray the house won’t burn

And if I hear an ambulance I pray with grave concern.

If it’s the cops then I will promptly get down on a knee.

And pray with all my soul that they aren’t on their way for me.

Don’t Worry, Folks.

September 17, 2007

Here’s my promise to the world that I will never write

A poem about soiled Band-Aids being looked at in the light.

I won’t discuss the crusty blood that’s dried and turning brown.

I’d never dare to mention yellow pus that’s oozing down.

It’s way too gross to write about the scabs and germs and dirt

Upon the bandage you have used when you have gotten hurt.

So trust me not to list out words describing grody grime.

It’s really not a subject to include within a rhyme.

That’s what I call art

September 17, 2007

Your house is very lovely and my favorite thing of all

Is over here– I love this pretty portrait on the wall.

The painting is amazing! I suspect you paid a lot.

Just look at all the detail! My, what pretty eyes she’s got.

Well, goodness, I’m mistaken. I have goofed a bit I fear.

I didn’t see that really this is just a mirror here.

Could you please talk more quietly and to someone else?

September 4, 2007

I do not want to be too rude.

Forgive me if I’m snide.

But could you please go close that door

And not be on this side?

The Recognition I Deserve

September 3, 2007

When I receive the award for all the money I haven’t stolen, the people I haven’t murdered, and all the buildings I haven’t burned, I will dedicate it to all the orphans I haven’t clothed, the prisoners I haven’t visited, and the hungry people I haven’t fed.

As I grow younger, I find that I sometimes don’t make sense.

September 3, 2007

Which is better?

September 3, 2007

Heroes do great things and they just can’t be thanked enough.

But who deserves a bigger prize for doing something tough?

The one who serves reluctantly for duty’s sake alone?

Or he who does what’s good because it thrills him to the bone?

Bad company

August 27, 2007

You’re such an evil influence.

You make me do bad stuff.

Whenever I’m around you

I do not behave enough.

 You’re such a bad philosopher,

I’m tired of all your lies.

If I could get away from you

I’d turn out pretty  wise.

 You lead me into trouble

And I gossip more with you.

Alone I do not break the rules

When you’re there I sure do.

 I wish you’d stay away from me.

I’m tired of this old game.

Wait, no- I guess it’s kinda nice

To have someone to blame.

Bright Side

August 1, 2007


I live in Greenville’s Mountains so the beach I rarely see

But thanks to earth’s erosion, Myrtle Beach will come to me.

Who built this lovely handcart that I’m riding in?

August 1, 2007

 You say our generation lacks the virtue yours displayed.

You say that we are selfish and you shake your head, dismayed.

Well aren’t we all corrupt and rude, and isn’t it so sad-

But don’t forget that you’re the ones who must have raised us bad.

The Magic Sweater

August 1, 2007

“I love my magic sweater!” shouted little Mary Sue.

Her brother smirked and said, “What kind of magic does it do?”

“It keeps me warm when I go out so I don’t get the flu.

And you are just a fool if that’s not magical to you.”

Bright Side

August 1, 2007

If you fail at everything

‘cause you are weak and frail

Take heart, my friend, because one day

You’re bound to fail to fail.

At the Doctor’s Office

August 1, 2007


“Tell me what your symptoms are.  What’s putting you in pain?”

“Well, thanks for caring, doctor, but my mom said don’t complain.”

Logic Lesson

July 12, 2007

if A=B and B=C then A=C.
So if pizza is good and cherry limeade is good, then pizza is cherry limeade. Ii’s not difficult.

Having a forte isn’t my forte.

June 29, 2007

I’m pretty good at breathing and I’m pretty good at naps.

I’m not too bad at eating, and I’m good at wearing caps.

Sitting down comes natural and so does standing up.

I also have no trouble drinking water from a cup.

But even though I’m ordinary I will still stand tall.

It takes a lot of talent to exist with none at all.

I’d rather be making bumper stickers that say I’d rather be fishing.

June 29, 2007

I look forward to looking back on this.

June 28, 2007

Bedtime Comfort

June 7, 2007

Goodnight, my children—don’t be scared.  Everything’s all right.

The monster might be full of all the kids he ate last night.


June 7, 2007

Gimme death or liberty!

That’s what they used to say.

But gimme gimme gimme is

The thing you hear today.

Dear Hallmark, I have an idea for a sympathy card:

June 7, 2007

I’m sorry that you’re suffering.

You’re hurting, I can see.

And from the depths within my heart,

I’m glad it isn’t me.

You’d like to buy the world a coke?

June 7, 2007

Gee, thanks.  One coke for the whole world?  Do we have to share a straw, too?

Keep the Sabbath Holy

June 7, 2007

To make each Sunday special in a very vivid way,

I’ll just be extra extra bad on every other day.

Of Course I Care

June 6, 2007

I’m always on my knees in prayer

(About our needy nation)

To see me not in church is rare

(That’s even on vacation)

I try to get the lost in there

(To save them from tarnation)

It goes to show how much I care

(About my reputation)

For Aspiring Underdogs

June 5, 2007

Remember this as you go out to overcome the worst:

To be unlikely heroes you must be unlikely first.

Trust Me

June 5, 2007

I’m good at keeping secrets. All my friends will tell you so.

Right now I’m keeping one so well that even I don’t know

Love Hexagon

June 5, 2007


John loves Shelia.  She loves Fred.

He loves Marcy.  She loves Ed.

Ed loves Courtney, She loves Chad.

Cupid’s aim is really bad.


Common Sense

June 5, 2007


If you write your dog a letter

To discuss the stuff you feed it,

Don’t write the note in cursive

Cause he won’t know how to read it.

Hypocrit’s Defense

June 5, 2007


My deeds are all for others’ eyes.  My prayers are for their ears.

I never do what’s truly good because of social fears.

But though my hollow heart  reveals that really I can’t take it,

At least I care about what’s right enough to try and fake it.

How Refreshing

May 20, 2007

The gardener sprayed me with the hose-

I had no place to hide.

I smiled at him until I saw

That it was pesticide.

The Great Indoors

May 20, 2007

 If beaver dams are nature,  

Then apartments are as well.



We humans still are natural—


 Just think about our smell.